But without reading all the books and sermons and pamphlets and attending all the conferences and seminars, the bottom line is that to get what you want, YOU NEED TO ASK FOR IT. This applies to all facets of your life. Some examples:

Work

• If you think you deserve a raise, title change, promotion, or more benefits, you won’t always be lucky enough to have it handed to you. You might have to make a case for it. And even if you don’t get it, it will be noticed that you went for it, and that might make a difference to start.
• If something is missing at your office, whether it’s a team dynamic that needs to change, an HR issue, or you think there isn’t enough budget for office supplies, put in the request. Do the research, put together a one-page memo, and pitch it to the boss. You might be surprised at how quickly the answer is yes.

Business & Customer Service

• We often feel we have to settle for the room the hotel gives us, the price the cable guy sets, or the menu item as the restaurant sets it. But more often than not, businesses and retailers engaged in customer service will offer you what you need, as long as it’s not outrageous. So ask for the discount, ask for the upgraded room, negotiate the rent, and swap the ingredients. If you’re polite and make a request, not a demand, the person on the other end of the counter/phone is more likely to help you. The “what can you do for me?” line really DOES work.

Relationships

• My parents tell it to me all the time these days: tell us what you need from us. Unless I ask them for something, whether it’s guidance, financial assistance, or to give me space, they don’t know I need it.
• It works both ways: you don’t know how to be a good friend/girlfriend/sister/daughter if you don’t put the question out there to your friends and family on what they need from YOU.
• This falls under the work bucket as well, but it’s more personal. Ask your boss for more time, more resources, more support, or less micro-management if you need that. If you want to know how you’re doing, ask that too. Ask your team how you can be more helpful to them, and ask them to help you where you need it. It works both ways there too.

Life

• Some questions aren’t for others – they’re for you. Do you want to go back to school? Travel the world? Join the Peace Corps? Move to California? Get married? Break up? Change careers? You won’t really know the answer to these questions and many more unless you ask yourself these questions, as hard as they may be. After all, you should know yourself better than anyone else, so in turn, to get what YOU really want, you need ask yourself the questions.

So, once more, with feeling: if you want something, ask for it!

Two weekends ago, I was in the wedding of one of my best friends. I hadn’t yet met her fiance until the day before the wedding, but I had nothing to fear – he was perfect for her.  A perfect balance of silliness, practicality, faith, and chivalry for my gal – it was clear that they were a perfect match, and I know that her parents and friends who lived closer and had seen them grow together had watched over her in this choice – this so perfect of a choice.

As I danced with my friend and her new husband on the dance floor, and watched them gaze at each other and giggle together, I thought about how just a few years ago, she was single and thinking she’d be an old maid, and I was about to start a long distance relationship as college ended and I moved to DC and my boyfriend went off to law school. I thought about how so much had changed in that time, but how my friend never had. She was the same, true to heart, heart of gold girl who would do anything for those she loved, and put a lot of thought into her life choices. With her, you know that she’ll always give you the truth, and she’ll never let you stray from who you are at heart.

A few days later, I was helping my parents pull weeds in their yard. It was like the old days again, squatting around pulling the darned things out of the ground in the heat and humidity. This time I wasn’t muttering about how I could be inside – it was actually ok, because I was spending time with my parents, which I always treasure, especially now that I no longer live with them. More importantly, it was almost a metaphor for their situation – they are about to make their next big move – and by big, I mean literally across the country. New state, new “stuff,” new start to their life. Of course, they want me to come with, and I’m not afraid to admit that I want it just a little bit too. They’re weeding out the things in their life they don’t want or need, and I have been learning to do the same in the last couple of years. Weeding out relationships that are harmful, feeding my interests and passion, cleaning out my past.

Just a few days ago, I was at another wedding. Another friend from college, a Miami Merger coupling. I was with all the guys I had hung out with since freshman year, except for my boyfriend, who was slaving away studying for the bar. It was another moment where I sat there thinking about seven years ago, when we were all young(er), more naive, more reckless, more cautious, less burdened, less responsible, less jaded. I watched my friend dance with his new wife, watched my other friends joke and jostle and drink too much like they used to do, and humored them as they placed bets on when I would get the question that would put me on that floor dancing my first wedding dance.

As I think about my friends who have moved in with boyfriends, divorced their husbands, had their first baby, found their true love, left a job they hated to take a job they loved, I think about my own path. I think about how far I’ve come, how far I have to go. I think about what’s important to me, and what I need and want to be happy. Some days it’s hard to know. But as the weddings march on, and I do the weeding and wondering, I know it will all be figured out just the way it should be.

Photo credit: http://dumais.us

In my job, we’re always thinking about how to serve our constituents, our supporters, our donors, our followers, and fans, partners, and

champions. That means we frequently “engage with our supporters” which means wonky non-profit type stuff like “creating a dialogue,” “providing a platform for community-building,” “raising awareness,” and “reporting back.”

We tell our people that they THEY are the reason why our organization is successful, or that malaria deaths are down, or that more lives are saved. We run the operations and the behind-the-scenes show, but it’s the supporters who really make it happen, right?

I realized today that all of the things we online communications and non-profit people work on everyday also fits into the relationships in our lives. When you think about it, our supporters, constituents, and donors are our parents, boyfriends or girlfriends, husbands, wives, aunts, grandparents, and friends. And in the same way that those turns of phrase above are part of our daily professional to-do lists and goals, they are also, or should be, a part of our daily personal lives.

• Creating a dialogue. Our loved ones want to hear from us, but they don’t want us to talk at them – they want to say something back. If we have a problem we’re trying to solve, we’re venting about a rough day, or we want to share exciting news, our “supporters” want to join the conversation, and provide feedback. Part of facilitating a successful dialogue means listening really well to what our people want or need from us – and in turn, telling them what we need or want from them.

• Providing a platform for community-building. This doesn’t mean building a social network, website, or even a physical building to hang out in. It means that we need a place to have the dialogues above, a place to collaborate, inspire each other, tackle life’s challenges, and celebrate life’s special moments. It’s a safe space, where there are rules of respect, privacy, and trust, but not so many barriers that it’s uncomfortable and you can’t accomplish anything. So whether it’s keeping weekly date nights, monthly family game nights, or doing an activity you like with grandma, make it easy to support each other.
• Raising awareness. If we want our “supporters” to care about us and take action on our behalf, we need to let them know what’s going on in our lives. We can’t expect mom and dad to know what’s bothering us if we don’t tell them, or our boyfriend or girlfriend to get us the cooking class we want if we don’t give a hint. We have to educate our family and friends on what’s important to us and let them know what we need them to help us with. It’s like those commercials – “the more you know…”
• Report back. Donors love hearing where their money went and to hear success stories. Our own supporters are the same way. Parents want to know what happened after you took their advice, friends want to hear if you’re doing okay, and grandma wants to know what you bought with her birthday check. So tell them. Call people, email them, write letters, whatever you need to do, to keep your loved ones updated. In the non-profit world, if donors don’t hear back, they don’t donate again. Share how your family and friends made an impact and how they too, are awesome — so they keep coming back.

Relationship-building takes work — in the office, and at home. And these “best practices” are just that – practice. You test things, you analyze, and you optimize (yes, another non-profit thing). Your results aren’t quite donations, retweets, or email signups, but I think what you get instead is worth a lot more.

And along the way, we’ve been supported by the people in our lives that care about us the most when we take those missteps, hit rock bottom, or feel like nothing is going right. It’s our parents, our significant others, coworkers, family, teachers, and best friends. Usually those same people have words of wisdom, their two cents as to what is the right choice, or the new direction. We may not immediately agree with them or even appreciate it, but life has that funny way of working out so that about 99% of the time, those people were right.

But back to mistakes. You make them, and you learn from them so it doesn’t happen again, right? Example: You burn your hand while cooking because you didn’t use a pot holder. So next time, you use a pot holder, because you clearly don’t want to be burned again.

Simple concept, but it applies to life lessons in the exact same way. If you were burned in some way, or you made a poor decision that you so clearly wouldn’t want to repeat, you put on the pot holder before grabbing the handle, right?

But, as I continue to learn every day — not everyone uses the pot holder still, even after being burned — multiple times. And they don’t use the pot holder after being told by many people who care about them that they need it, that it would be silly to not use it. Maybe they even said that they wished someone had told them last time to use the pot holder, and yet when you do, they still dismiss you.

Then what?

It’s frustrating when you see people you love making poor decisions, and not really taking the time to think about why they’re doing it, or what they’re feeling, and working through it. They say, oh, I know, last time, that was so bad, and I know I should use a pot holder next time…but five minutes later, there they are, grabbing the handle bare-handed again. You’ve done your piece, you’ve reminded them, but to no avail. What do you do? Do you walk away and let them burn themselves? Do you stand there and watch them, waiting to say I told you so? Do you try again, but feel like you’re banging your head against a brick wall?

Sometimes, it takes many burns for someone to realize what they’re doing and to figure out what they need to fix. And sometimes, we don’t want to be the ones standing around with the band-aids again…and again…and again. The bottom line is that you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to help their self. In the end, the only way they may learn is to keep getting burned.

Just when you think you have it all figured out, it hits you upside the head: It’s not just my boyfriend that’s worried about the future – it’s me, too. Me, who I thought was ready for the next big thing, ready to say all my fears were behind me, ready to move forward. And then, I realize, I’m scared, too.

The next few months will be challenging ones as the bf graduates from law school next week, takes the bar two months later, and continues looking for jobs and moves out here to be with me in the fall. And all this time, I’ve been focused on dates. What day are you moving here? Tell me WHEN are you here? And I’ve been worried about what happens next. We move in together, then what? What if he gets a job back in Ohio? What if he doesn’t? Is it all perfect and wonderful and that’s the end? Do we practice for a little while to make sure it’s the right thing?

I was reminded by my dad that there is no test to figure out if something is 100%. I’ll never be able to pinpoint to one action or day that makes me say, “Aha! This is all going to work out into a happy ending. All our troubles are behind us.” So with that being said, we have to learn to be okay with the 90%, or 85%, or even 99%, because that’s what life and relationships are about. NOT knowing the exact future, NOT knowing what troubles, challenges, or opportunities lie ahead – but being confident that it can be worked through, and if it doesn’t work…that that’s okay too.

I realized that I wasn’t truly testing my bf, but I’ve been testing myself. I’ve been waiting to get to that moment when I feel absolutely sure that I won’t be alone, that I won’t be disappointed, that I won’t be hurt. The truth is that we’re going to get let down, and hurt, and disappointed. But it doesn’t  mean I should set myself up for it, by preparing to the very minute details, by throwing my test of myself onto others. It’s not fair to them or me.

When we think about things that scare us about the future, it can be any number of things: financial security, job security, not knowing what job is right for you, being abandoned, having some tragic incident befall us. But there’s only so much we can do to prepare for those things. We can hope and wish and pray and save and plan and make lists, but so much of is it truly about running on faith – in yourself, and in others. And I don’t mean faith in the religious way – I mean trust and confidence, and really believing what someone is telling you and what they’re doing if they’re not giving you any reason not to. And it also means having faith that if something doesn’t go well, that there’s still a way out of that, too. You just don’t know it, so it’s scary.

For the past eight months, I’ve spent a lot of time debating what is the next step in my career, trying to figure out where I would be okay moving to, and looking for signals that things AREN’T going to work. But now, I know that I’ve been working against myself – and I’ll never get an A+ if I keep on this same road. So my goal for myself for the next few months is to look for the things that ARE working, to widen my options, and to stop trying to get to 100% – because when I do, it will be that much more worth it.

No matter how much you love your job, there are those days when you dread every new meeting request, every time the phone rings, every email that pops into your inbox. So when the extra strong coffee no longer works and you’ve already taken your walk around the block to get the daily dose of exercise and vitamin D, what do you do to get through the day, and the week for that matter?

• Remind yourself of why you’re there. Whether you are a teacher, a doctor, an engineer, a cook, or writer, or you work for a non-profit, there is a reason you signed up in the first place. Think about that and charge forward.
• Get to the bottom of what’s bogging you down. If it’s issues with a coworker, figure out how to come to a truce. If you’re falling behind on a project, ask for help. If it’s just been a busy week, month, or year so far, see if you can adjust your priorities, or delegate some of your tasks. Or, make sure you get to bed earlier so you have a full night’s sleep.

• If you can’t change the situation, change your attitude about it. This is definitely easier said than done. It’s always easier to complain and vent, and be frustrated about something that isn’t likely to change soon. But that doesn’t get you anywhere. So instead, change the way you think about it – put a positive spin on it, find the opportunities.
• Take a mental health day. Many employers offer personal days in addition to vacation days, and most of us have sick days. Take one when you’re feeling rundown, and watch an entire season of The West Wing in your pajamas. Don’t check email. Go shopping or head to the park or the beach. You’ve got the days – you might as well use them.
• Spend time with your team outside of the office. Not just for the requisite Friday happy hour, the birthday lunch, or goodbye dinner. Go for a walk to get ice cream with your team member or arrange a team outing like karaoke, trapezing, or a segway tour (my organization is guilty of all three). Most important: don’t talk about work. Talk about each other.

Try one of these or all when you hit the 2pm slump or you can’t seem to clean out your inbox if someone paid you. It may not be a permanent solution, but hopefully it will get you through the end of the day…until happy hour.

Why some of these choices are easier to make than others is a great mystery at times. What is it that holds us back from moving forward? Are we afraid of something, or someone? Is it the fear of failure, or the knowledge that the direction you thought you were taking isn’t at all what you wanted in the end?

We’ll never know what will happen after making a big change in our lives. We can only imagine-  it might be hard, it might make us cry a few times, it make make us immediately regret it, it might make us wish we hadn’t done it. But…we’ll also never know how good things can be, how happy we might be, or as my friend Drew says, how “wonderfully great” it might be.

The reality is this: some people are never completely happy with their situation. They always want more, always feel like something is missing. So they move from one thing to the next, new job, new friends, new home, always searching for what’s missing. But what’s missing isn’t in the new job or the new place or the new friends – it’s inside, and you have to ask yourself, what do I really want? What do I really need? How do I get there?

Those same questions are asked when your life decisions are impacted by someone else. When what you do next and what you plan for is intertwined with someone else, it’s easy to feel like neither of you are going to be completely served or that you will never get exactly what you want. So the question is: if you don’t get exactly what you want, what is the middle ground? What can you do that still works for the both of you? Sometimes the answer is scary, exciting, or full of uncertainty. But we can’t travel in time, so we don’t get to test the different scenarios for a couple of months and then go back and pick the one that works out.

The bottom line: what will make you happy not just in five minutes, or even five months, but in five years? Fifteen years? What are the things you want – and what are the effects of taking a different route than you imagined? What are you willing to do to get the things you really want?

But how to start is the dilemma in so many cases. Should you wait for them to bring it up, should you bring it up, when do you bring it up, how do you bring it up? Do you rehearse it, do you wing it, do you plan an escape route if it doesn’t go well?

Sometimes, you don’t have time to think about any of that – and sometimes, that’s exactly the way it should be.

I recently reached a major breakthrough with someone in my life that was years in the making. 20 to be exact. And no, all the walls didn’t come crashing down, and puppies and cupcakes and unicorns did not start flying everywhere in the room. But the elephant, the giant, ugly elephant that had been standing among us for so long, shrunk to a size that made us breathe easier, that made us love harder, made us know each other better.

And I didn’t need to escape. I didn’t want to escape. I wanted to stay right there, in that moment, forever. We both did.

Sometimes, it takes one of you just asking “what’s going on?” for it to all come out. And that doesn’t mean it’s over, it just means whoo, at least we got that sort of out of the way. And now, it’s kinda like a second date. First one went really well, you made plans to hang out again, and now it’s like, ok…what’s going to happen? You get nervous, you get excited, you know it’s going to be 10 times better, or maybe much harder this time.

But you know why it’s good? Because it’s the Things You Need to Hear. It’s the words you need to say. It’s the time to make things right, and real. It’s time to get rid of the elephant, once and for all.

I wasn’t sure how much of my private life I would share, or if I cared if anyone actually read it. Now more than two years later, I’ve shared quite a bit, and although I don’t know my exact following, I’m pleased to see that I have a small group of loyal readers, some who know me closely, and some whom I’ve never met.

100 posts later, there are many days I don’t know what to write, if I want to write, or if what I wrote was good enough to go live. In starting this post, I had no idea what to write. I suppose I could have just said “100 schmundred!” and not cared about a theme or making it a big deal, but I’m a dates and anniversary and recognition type person, so that wouldn’t have lasted very long.

With 100 posts comes at least 100 reasons I decided to write something down and make it live. With 100 posts comes ten times more memories and moments that I did not write down, because they were too fleeting, too private, too confusing, too indescribable. With 100 posts come many lessons learned over the last couple of years… and that is what I wanted to share with you today:

• There is nothing more fulfilling, comforting, or stress-relieving than cooking a meal for yourself at the end of the day and savoring it. Even better if you are sharing it with people you care about.
• Not all of your colleagues at work are meant to be your friends -  they may be just that – colleagues. For the ones that do become friends, cherish that, but don’t let it get in the way of your working relationship.
• Your parents are people, just like you. They always mean well and always want what’s best for you – but respecting them and loving them doesn’t always mean agreeing with them or them agreeing with you. Finding a mutual understanding is key.
• You can’t change other people – they can only change themselves. Waiting and wishing on someone to change will only stress you out. Work on what you can control. (This lesson is still being learned.)
• Some people won’t have the same idea of what a friendship/relationship is as you – decide how much you want to invest and accept it if it’s more/less than the other person. End the relationship if you can’t handle it. (Still being learned…)
• No one can truly know what’s best for you except you. Not your best friend, not your therapist, not your parents. Unless it’s a medical situation, or life-threatening, you usually will figure out what’s best for you. (Thank you to everyone for their guidance! Keep it coming.)
• The loss of a pet can take more out of you than you may ever imagine, but will leave you so fulfilled all at once. (Thank you, Casey)
• If you have a best friend who is like a sister or brother, don’t ever let them go. That’s the person you can call at 3am, even if they go to bed early. That’s the person who will drive 7 hours to spend the weekend with you, even if everything you called them crying about is better by the time they get there. (Thank you, Molly)
• Knowing you need help and asking for it are two very different things. Both are important. Both are necessary for self-improvement.
• A relationship that causes you more pain than good is not worth maintaining. But knowing when to let go can be even harder.
• Never assume the other person will know what you really feel – just tell them.
• It’s true what they say about family – you may love them, but you don’t have to like them.
• For some people, a job is what pays the bills and keeps them busy during the day. If you have a passion and it can be your job, then go for it. Don’t hesitate to figure out NOW what you want to do for the rest of your life. It may be your only chance.
• The power of perspective: from taking a step back, from stepping in someone else’s shoes, from an outsider who doesn’t know you – it can change everything.
• Life is too short to focus on the negative. A favorite quote that was on my mom’s fridge for years: “If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change the way you think about it.”
• At your job, other people and circumstances will frustrate you. But if you take care of what you can, and do your best, that’s all you can worry about. And you will get recognized for that. (Thanks, boss)
• The people who truly care for you and are there for you will make time for you, no matter what. Those who don’t aren’t worth waiting around for. Cherish those who are there for you when you need them – not just when they need you – and be there for them back.

I could go on and on, but that’s why I keep this blog, because each new post is a new lesson, a new reflection, a new celebration, a new success. Feel free to peruse through my posts from the last two years, and share any thoughts you have with me in the comments or getting in touch with me directly! Thank you for reading. More lagniappe coming soon.

And there’s Daylight Savings Time thing, where we set our clocks forward one hour, and “springing forward” as it’s known. Because it’s warm outside, so many things change. It’s now better for running outside, visiting the zoo, and playing catch on the Mall. Bars and restaurants move their patio furniture back outside and the happy hours spill onto the decks and sidewalks, and start earlier in the day every week that we get closer to summer. Baseball season begins, outdoor concert season begins, and there are festivals and parades galore – all meaning it’s time to make plans with friends and fill up that calendar through September with lunches, BBQs, weekend getaways and more.

This spring, I kicked it off with my first running race ever – the St. Patrick’s Day 8k in downtown D.C. I had been planning it for months with Dan, anxiously awaiting my first foray into the racing world, after years of running several times a week on my own with no real purpose or deadline other than to stay healthy. Now that I’ve run an 8k, I’m looking into doing a 10k next, and then a half, and then ultimately, a marathon. I’m springing forward.

Before the start of the race, I was nervous as hell. It wasn’t that I didn’t think I could run just under 5 miles. But I felt like everyone around me knew was a veteran and would pass me and I would be last, all because this was my first time, all because I don’t regularly run 5 miles. I regularly run 3 miles. Dan kept reminding me that there was nothing to be nervous about, no one was watching me, and that there would be plenty of people behind me. The point was that we were doing this together, and the purpose was to run the whole thing, together – and to cross the finish line, together.

And we did. Our time? 50:08. Not bad, not even close to good, but I was proud to see that I “placed” about halfway in the list of women who ran the race (about 2,400 of us). I felt good that my pace was about on track with what I usually run, and that I wasn’t uncomfortable or hurting when it was done. I felt really good about. I felt like I was springing forward into something new, something that would make me feel good about myself. There was nothing to be scared about – it was just something new, and now it’s not so new.

When we think about doing something we have been looking forward to for a long time, or that we knew would always happen, but are not quite sure how it will play out, that nervousness and anticipation of change can often show up as fear. And what’s harder when 20 different people are telling you their opinion and what they would do – and it’s hard to know what YOU want to do anymore. Especially when it’s people you love and that love you and want what’s best for you. Often, it’s so much easier to look at others and say, “They’re doing that wrong. I wouldn’t be doing that.” And it’s hard for us to see people we love get hurt. But what’s important is that knowing that even if you don’t take the exact route that you are advised to, that it doesn’t mean it’s wrong, and it doesn’t mean it’s right either – it’s just your route. And it may take awhile for you to know how it will end up – but life isn’t about always knowing. It’s a catch-22 most of the time- you want and should have some sort of plan, but you can’t always plan it the way you envisioned, especially when other people are involved.

As March winds down (in like a lion, out like a lamb), I’m reminded to keep springing forward in my own way, despite life’s ups and downs, and despite the moments that make me nervous or fearful. Running the race was one way I did that. Another was spending another fabulous weekend with my best friend and some other new friends – because having fun is a key step in springing forward.

Spring isn’t coming anymore. It’s here. And with that, it’s time to grow and bloom.