If you aren’t happy with how something is going, you can tweak it, improve it. If it’s something little, you make the change and then life goes on. If it’s something bigger, a true lifestyle adjustment, it will take longer. It takes 21 days to make a habit, and three months before it becomes a subconscious act. It can take years to readjust feelings about someone or something – and sometimes, it can seem like just a snap of the fingers to fall back into old habits, and old emotions.

What about when you’re a roadblock to change, and it affects other people? For instance, you know that you are terrible about keeping in touch with friends or family. “I never call people, I’m bad at responding to emails, or texts.” Okay, well that’s nice that you admitted it, but what are you going to do about it? Saying it out loud doesn’t mean it’s acceptable. The burden shouldn’t all fall to the people that are waiting to hear from you. Think about how your actions are affecting others. Maybe you can’t call every week, or respond to every email, but can you set aside half an hour each month to catch up with loved ones? Put it on your calendar if it helps.

What if you’re waiting on someone else to change? That person that never responds to your texts, that doesn’t seem to make the initiative, that seems to give lip service. Well, you have a few options. You can a) keep going on like normal, and accept that you will be making most of the effort, with little or no return, b) bring it up with the person and try to come up with something that works for the both of you, or c) if it’s negatively impacting you too much, remove that roadblock from your daily life. Sure, it may mean a lot of pain, but sometimes we have to do that. It’s like quitting smoking, or drinking, or throwing out sentimental items, but it can make us happier, healthier, and more sure of who we are.

While we’re sitting around for everyone else and everything around us to change, here are a few ways that YOU can change your outlook, and make change yourself:

• A thunderstorm ruins your outdoor picnic plans with friends –> bring all the fixings and have it inside. The point is the same: quality time with your pals.
• A colleague constantly has input on your projects –> listen to it, and incorporate what you think works, and thank them for their thoughts.
• Guy says he wants to meet up, randomly will reach out, but then is MIA when it’s time to make something happen. –> He’s just not that into you. Move on. It’s not worth playing games.
• A family member or friend is consistently obnoxious about a certain topic, says inappropriate things, or generally pisses you off. –> Ignore them. Remove them from your social networks if you can. Be civil when you see them, but don’t encourage the behavior, or respond to it. Don’t let it affect your attitude.
• A friend is in a situation in which you’ve given advice, but s/he refuses to acknowledge they are headed for a bad ending. –> You’ve done your part as a friend. Support them and let them live their life, or stay out of theirs.

What are some ways that you change your attitude to create change?

Taking a leap!

I feel like I’m playing hooky today. I’m not on vacation, I’m not taking a sick day, but I’m not checking email or doing work either. I’m in between jobs.

It’s been three and a half years since I was transitioning from one job to another, and this time, it’s a little different. It’s different because my second job, at the UN Foundation, was like a home to me for the last few years. Many of the people there became my family, and I made some friends that I will have for life. I also grew up in that job, personally and professionally, and although I am excited about my next chapter, it was hard to say goodbye to the people I worked and laughed with, to my cube, to my accomplishments.

I went in as a 23-year-old starting my second year in the working world, eager to work for a nonprofit, excited to change the world, and ready to soak up all the knowledge I could about my field, online communications. I left having had the privilege to spread the word for some amazing campaigns (Nothing But Nets and Girl Up), to meet some very creative and passionate people, and to build relationships with colleagues who taught me lessons I will learn from for years to come.

And what am I off to next? The Case Foundation, an organization just a few blocks away from my old office (I like to keep things in the Dupont Circle area, clearly) that is doing some very cool and cutting-edge work on social innovation and giving. I’m very excited to join this collaborative and creative team, which I’ve experienced firsthand when the UN Foundation has teamed up with them. I’m thrilled to stay in the world of online communications and citizen engagement, and to keep working with so many of the people I’ve met along the way so I can keep learning from them.

People always ask why you’re leaving one place and going to another, and why you chose now. Well, the simple answer is that there’s never a good time to leave — you’re always in the middle of a project, maybe your team is short-staffed, or it’s a busy time of year. But the best time to leave is always when it’s best for you. It doesn’t matter whether you’re moving across the country and starting over (like my parents did) or adding two extra blocks to your commute (like me), the time to end one chapter and start another is always what’s best for your future, and your well-being. For me, my experiences in the last 3.5 years at this job have been invaluable, and yes, I teared up and choked up several times when saying goodbyes, but it was time for me – for my physical and mental well-being, for my career, for my goals, for my soul.

Change is a good thing. This last year in which I’ve had some ups and downs and many moments of reflection has taught me each risk you take, each transition, each change in your life, whether it’s starting yoga classes, cooking at home more, buying a new pillow, ending a relationship or starting new ones, is all part of the process in getting to who you want to be, and who you are meant to be. So when you decide to do something new, make sure you’re doing it for you, and doing it when it’s best for you.

Are there any changes in your life that you’re pondering lately? How will you make them?

What tales these tell...

I was an avid journaler as a kid. Journals, diaries, whatever you want to call it, I kept it. I started with a tiny pink one with bears on it that had a lock and key. The entries were of the “Today, I …” sort. In middle school, I moved on to bigger books with no lock, even though the words carried more emotion, drama and secrets. Through high school and partway into college, I filled three more journals, my handwriting improving from those formative cursive-style days to a hurried, but focused combination with print, the color of the ink settling on black or blue only, the stickers and doodles disappearing one by one.

My journaling is now more or less this blog, and although I still write about very personal issues, I can’t help but notice the changes over time between those secretive, scribbled escapist entries on paper, and these well-thought out yet similarly emotional typed essays — and the differences.

I was reading through the old journals the other night, which I’ve done before, to pull out specific points in my life. I used to mostly laugh at how silly I was about my many crushes, the stupid fights with friends, and the endless lists I compiled of my favorites. But this time, as I read through the entries in late middle school and high school, an overwhelming feeling of sadness came over me. Sadness for the girl that I was, and sadness for the girl that I thought I was at the time. I wasn’t struggling with an eating disorder, depression, or hurting myself physically.

But I realized how much I was hurting on the inside…and how much I continued to let others hurt me for so long. Those of you who know me and my story, know of my baggage with some family members. So if that wasn’t enough — the years and years of trying to understand why my father didn’t love me enough, the years and years of trying to understand how to make it work with the man who had become and remains my true father — I spent an insane amount of time and effort trying to make everyone like me. Girls, guys, teachers, adults, whomever. I wanted so much love, so much acceptance, and it killed me every time I didn’t get it. I was trying so hard that I made it worse for myself without even realizing it. And it pains me to think of the things that people might have said about me, because let’s face it, kids are mean to each other in those years.

When I look at the relationships in my life now, and what I’ve gone through in the last year, reading about my adolescent years reminds me of who I am, where I’m headed, and what I need. I’m reassured and comforted by the changes I’ve gone through for the better, by the cleaning out of the toxic situations and people in my life, and I’m happy to know that even if EVERYONE doesn’t like me, I have a handful of amazing people that very much do, and that I don’t have to try so hard anymore. I don’t have to be prettier, or thinner, or more athletic, or smarter, talk less or talk more, play soccer or be really good at math. I don’t have to know everything or be everywhere or be everyone.

I may have changed a lot over the years, and so have the circumstances and relationships in my life, but one thing will always be the same: I’m still me – just a girl who likes to write and cook, who wants a best friend to share secrets with, parents to hug and cry with, dogs to cuddle with, and a boy to like me in spite of it all.

And there’s Daylight Savings Time thing, where we set our clocks forward one hour, and “springing forward” as it’s known. Because it’s warm outside, so many things change. It’s now better for running outside, visiting the zoo, and playing catch on the Mall. Bars and restaurants move their patio furniture back outside and the happy hours spill onto the decks and sidewalks, and start earlier in the day every week that we get closer to summer. Baseball season begins, outdoor concert season begins, and there are festivals and parades galore – all meaning it’s time to make plans with friends and fill up that calendar through September with lunches, BBQs, weekend getaways and more.

This spring, I kicked it off with my first running race ever – the St. Patrick’s Day 8k in downtown D.C. I had been planning it for months with Dan, anxiously awaiting my first foray into the racing world, after years of running several times a week on my own with no real purpose or deadline other than to stay healthy. Now that I’ve run an 8k, I’m looking into doing a 10k next, and then a half, and then ultimately, a marathon. I’m springing forward.

Before the start of the race, I was nervous as hell. It wasn’t that I didn’t think I could run just under 5 miles. But I felt like everyone around me knew was a veteran and would pass me and I would be last, all because this was my first time, all because I don’t regularly run 5 miles. I regularly run 3 miles. Dan kept reminding me that there was nothing to be nervous about, no one was watching me, and that there would be plenty of people behind me. The point was that we were doing this together, and the purpose was to run the whole thing, together – and to cross the finish line, together.

And we did. Our time? 50:08. Not bad, not even close to good, but I was proud to see that I “placed” about halfway in the list of women who ran the race (about 2,400 of us). I felt good that my pace was about on track with what I usually run, and that I wasn’t uncomfortable or hurting when it was done. I felt really good about. I felt like I was springing forward into something new, something that would make me feel good about myself. There was nothing to be scared about – it was just something new, and now it’s not so new.

When we think about doing something we have been looking forward to for a long time, or that we knew would always happen, but are not quite sure how it will play out, that nervousness and anticipation of change can often show up as fear. And what’s harder when 20 different people are telling you their opinion and what they would do – and it’s hard to know what YOU want to do anymore. Especially when it’s people you love and that love you and want what’s best for you. Often, it’s so much easier to look at others and say, “They’re doing that wrong. I wouldn’t be doing that.” And it’s hard for us to see people we love get hurt. But what’s important is that knowing that even if you don’t take the exact route that you are advised to, that it doesn’t mean it’s wrong, and it doesn’t mean it’s right either – it’s just your route. And it may take awhile for you to know how it will end up – but life isn’t about always knowing. It’s a catch-22 most of the time- you want and should have some sort of plan, but you can’t always plan it the way you envisioned, especially when other people are involved.

As March winds down (in like a lion, out like a lamb), I’m reminded to keep springing forward in my own way, despite life’s ups and downs, and despite the moments that make me nervous or fearful. Running the race was one way I did that. Another was spending another fabulous weekend with my best friend and some other new friends – because having fun is a key step in springing forward.

Spring isn’t coming anymore. It’s here. And with that, it’s time to grow and bloom.

But what about when everything isn’t clear? What about when you want more time, need more time, hope there is more time? What about when it involves someone else’s life? What if you’re so unsure after months of thinking about it, talking about it, arguing about it, crying about it, that you’re not even sure anymore what you wanted in the first place?

And what to do, when everyone around you says, “You have to do what’s best for YOU.”

It’s not that simple, when you aren’t even sure what’s best anymore. When you thought what was best maybe isn’t anymore, what you think should be best isn’t what you want, when so many things are still undefined and undetermined, it’s not that simple.

You see it in the movies or in finales of tv shows: girl runs off to her dream job (good for her!)…but 5 minutes later her taxi is turning around, or she’s showing up on the stoop of the boy, saying no, I want the love! Who doesn’t love happy endings like that…but when it’s your own life, it’s not quite like that.

People hold back on making major decisions because they’re scared, because it means something different, because it means taking responsibility, doing the hard thing. And when one person holds back too long, it eventually means the other person has to make that hard decision for the both of them and then no one is happy. How do you get around that? How do you figure out the “best” decision for everyone involved?

Talking this over today, I started musing about the symbolism of this. This is of course on top of the fact that now that Dan has left, I’m back to not sleeping through the night, and having an increased amount of weird or bad dreams. I seem to be always running from someone or something in them, or hiding or fighting not to get hurt. Hmmm….

The ahas! are coming more lately. Not just with the dreams (and boy do those make a heckuva a lot more sense lately), but with why I have all the feelings I do, why I can be such a control freak, and why I chose someone like Dan as my significant other. Those self-help books DO make things come together, I assure you. In one sitting, I must say “that sounds just like me!” about a million times. It makes so many things connect and I don’t feel so bad about some of it.

My friend also went to an alligator farm in New Orleans recently, so maybe that was part of it. Although some of my family has had some not so friendly encounters with gators, I personally have only enjoyed the taste of their meat.

On a separate note, I have a question: If you made a major life change when you weren’t expecting to – career, relocation, etc – why did you do it? How did you decide? What triggered the change? Were you scared? Confused? Emotional?

Earlier this week, I saw the scale had gone up even more than I thought at the doctor. I was appalled. I was disappointed. I was pissed because I’ve been working out every day and eating so much produce I should start my own farm in my apartment. Then back at the office I was pissed when I saw an email that set off about 57 emotions, and fortunately, my amazing teammate let me ramble on for about 20 minutes about what direction I’m headed in. Sometimes we need that. I needed her to tell me it was okay to be confused and scared.

Aha moments, anyone? What did you do with it?

Now I’m not talking about not smoking (I don’t) or not drinking (I keep a low profile there too) or ditching other ridiculously harmful habits. I don’t really have any of those. But, detoxifying yourself also means mentally, emotionally, and socially. I’ve already been doing well with my workout routine and eating better. It’s time to move on to the big guns.

Tomorrow, I’m taking a step to make this happen. I won’t go into major details, but basically I’m getting a fresh perspective from someone new, someone who can’t take sides. And as part of all this, I’m going to start making choices about what to keep and what to get rid of in my life – and maybe who. We all do things or think things or feel things that aren’t helping us move forward, and that aren’t helping us live in the moment and enjoy life to the fullest. We also all have people in our lives that fall into this category. Maybe they are an old friend who isn’t so much a good friend anymore, or a newer friend that just isn’t panning out, or a family member that isn’t worth the stress either. I know that my biggest problem has always been to just accept that a relationship is over and move on – it’s one of the hardest things I deal with everyday. Those of you who know me more intimately know what this stems from – and I’m taking steps to fix it.  I can spend months agonizing over why my friend or old roommate or family member hasn’t talked to me in months, letting it bother me until it consumes much of my thoughts.

Or, I can learn to place it outside of me and my life, and say, ok, yeah I’m not feeling the love, but they made a decision. Maybe I don’t know the decision, and maybe it had to do with something I did or said, but maybe it didn’t. And realizing that and saying, things will be okay, is the big step. Realizing there are other people I have in my life that care and aren’t going anywhere. You know who you are, those people – and I appreciate it, more than you know.

So, as change comes to our country, and people are trying to keep their resolutions going, I’m making some changes, too. It’s really time.

For readers: What changes are you wanting to make this year?