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What's Next?

For much of my life, I’ve tried to live up to what I think other people want from me. I’ve tried to please them, make them love me more, like me more, want me more, and need me more.

And I mean everyone — my biological father, teachers, friends, boyfriends, crushes, my dad, my boss … the list goes on.

Much of my four years in DC have been focused on what was next for me as it related to my now ex-boyfriend. We were in love, we were best friends, and we were going to get married. It was as set as it could be, without a ring.

But when push came to shove on next steps, what we wanted for ourselves didn’t quite line up the way that it should for a couple planning to spend their lives together — and I took a big leap into a seemingly dark and deep unknown and ended the relationship.

Nearly eight months later, I’ve thought a lot about who I am and what is next for me. And the most magical and refreshing part of it is that I don’t have to know right now, and that’s okay.

For years I have planned out every step of my life, and coordinated how each person fits into it. But now, as much as I still love using them, I realize that lists and calendars and deadlines don’t make a life, and they don’t create happiness.

And now, I realize that one of the best things about living your life for you – and living it for the NOW — is accepting that not everything will fit together the way you imagine it, and certainly not every person.

That relationship with my ex is only one of the turning points in the last year that has led me to focusing on a happier me.

Some friendships have gone by the wayside, and others have strengthened. Changes at work have forced me to consider what’s important in a job, and my empty-nesting parents’ new beginning across the country have pushed me to dial into my goals and dreams more than ever.

My next leap could be to move, or to stay. It could be to fall in love again this year, or maybe a few years from now. It could be to return to school, start a new job, or start my own business.

My next leap is unknown, uncertain, unplanned, and undetermined.

But I do know that my next leap will be exactly right for me.

Nov. 11: Always a golden birthday!

Ok, so the title of this blog post is also the title of one of my favorite books in the Laura Ingalls Wilder “Little House” series, but it’s also supposed to be the theme of this period of my life right now, right?

I’m young, I’m single, I’ve got a job I enjoy, I’m in a city I love, I’m financially stable. All good, happy, golden things right?

One year ago, as I was preparing my 25 birthdays post before I left on a trip to Germany, I wasn’t quite thinking that my life would be what it is right now. Not that I had grand plans or anything. Or maybe I did. One year ago, I thought I was going to be engaged by now, living with my boyfriend (fiance?), perhaps here in DC, perhaps somewhere else – where I wouldn’t be happy and golden. I remember at this time last year, I was convincing myself that it would work out, that things would all come together, that life was good. I remember talking to my dad on the phone in the airport lounge before my flight to Frankfurt, being reminded to take the time on my trip to reflect about what I wanted for myself in the next year.

I came back from that trip not much more sure about things, and in the end, it did work out, just not the way I expected. One year later, I’m single. One year later, I don’t have the same BFF to call and cry to either. One year later, my beloved dog Casey is gone, but an adorable puppy named McGee has joined our family. One year later, I’ve been promoted and I’m working on a campaign I truly care about, two bosses have left and I have an entire new team. One year later, I’ve run three races, finally visited Central Park, and am going to see my first LSU game this weekend. One year later, I’m not sure what’s next at all.

One year later, I feel much more happy and golden than I did before. More happy and golden than I did six months ago even.

One year later, I know that life can take me anywhere at this point. I can move to Chicago, or to California when my parents head there, or to England or Austin or Boston. I can renew friendships that had fallen behind, and make new friends, ones that empower me and support me and get me — and don’t ridicule me. I can continue to challenge myself at work and look for opportunities that provide that. I can date who I want, if I want, or not date at all.

These are the happy, golden years. These are the years where I’m free to be me, on my terms.

I’ve loved Sinatra since I was about 12 years old, and now more than ever, his songs have so much meaning in my life. In the last two months, I’ve ended a four-year relationship with someone whom I loved more than anyone, “broken up” with a friend that I’ve known for 13 years, and started to truly understand after nearly 26 years what it means to love or be loved “all the way.”

These are the in between years for me. Technically, I hope it’s only months, or maybe a year or two max. But it’s neither a good or lean year – it’s just that  – in between. New opportunities at work, new people in my life, old people moving out of my life, and my parents perhaps moving across the country and the state I called “home” will no longer be such. In the next year or two, I may  move again myself, I may change jobs,  and I may or may not fall in love again. There will be drama, there will be hugs, and kisses, and crying, and hopefully lots of laughter. There will be moments when I just want to hide by myself and tell everyone to go away and leave me alone, and there will be days where all I want is someone to wrap their arms around me and never let go. There will be people who call me too often, too little, or not at all. I will call people too often, too little, or not at all.

These are my in between years. Who knows where the road will lead us? Only a fool will say. But whatever it is, and wherever it is, I will do it all the way.

One of the most empowering things in this whole process was realizing that there is so much out there for me. I can go anywhere, do anything that I want. I can move to Chicago or San Francisco or London, I can plan for myself and only myself, and I can, to an extent, be a single gal in the city.

As someone who has always feared being alone, being abandoned, being left or not loved anymore, it was also very interesting to be in a situation where I walked away despite feeling very strong emotions for someone. I am stronger because of it, and although I never would have guessed it before it happened, it was almost like a big a relief to say, yes, I can go through something like that and come out on the other side okay. (Note: with a little help from my parents – I can’t thank them enough for their support.)

Stepping out into the day, into the world, newly single, brings on such a mix of emotions. It’s exciting, it’s scary, it’s weird, it’s fun, it’s nerve-wracking, all at once. And I’m not talking about dating – that isn’t going to happen for awhile. But it’s the everyday stuff. When at one time you were going to be engaged by the end of the year and married the next, moving in with someone one month, and buying a new bed the next, and now you’re not…it’s just different. And just in one short month, I have traveled to Philly for the first time to volunteer, made new friends, signed up for another 10k, gotten a promotion, danced the night away again, and made travel plans.

For someone who usually plans down to the last detail and minute, this is new and different for me. I don’t know what will happen in my life in the next six months, or the next year…but strangely, refreshingly, that’s just fine with me.

Three years ago, I had just finished school, was living at home, looking for jobs and apartments and trying to decide between Chicago, New York and DC. I thought about working at a magazine, at a non-profit, at a newspaper, at a magazine, and finally decided upon a PR firm or a non-profit in DC – and promptly moved here only with the apartment in place.

Two years ago, I was really ready to get out of my first job – really really ready. I knew more about what I didn’t want, what I did want, and where to look. Then I found a great one (where I’m at today).

One year ago, I was tired of letting my past interfere with my present and future. I wanted to figure out who I was and what I could be. So I started seeing a therapist.

And then there’s today.

My generation, Millennials, is known for always being ready to move on to the next thing, to transition before we get bored, to be bigger, better, cooler, smarter, you name it. These are traits that don’t apply to everyone, and although I don’t think they all apply to me in most situations, I admit that I see myself in these categories at times. Today, in the general sense, is one of those times.

In other posts, I’ve talked about how the upcoming year could mean some big changes for me in terms of taking the next step in my relationship with my boyfriend, and how where I’ll be and what I do might be impacted by his own career opportunities. So of course, as a planner, I’m already thinking ahead about my future and the what ifs, but this adds on an extra layer of omg what will I be doing in October of this year, and May of next, and so forth.

The what ifs can be scary – but as I look at my four year journey and see that every scary, uncertain moment was followed by a confident, positive change, I carry that with me and know that the what ifs and the what’s nexts will always be there. Every time a change is made, the next one will start rolling in, like the tide. Sometimes it will be high, bringing in crashing waves of momentum and excitement that are perfect for riding out on in life’s extreme moments. Sometimes it will be low, gently washing over each day in my life, a slow transition will little side affects. And sometimes, I may get caught up in the undercurrent, and feel like I’m about to be pulled under and carried away.

But then I do what I’ve done before: I talk to friends and family, write down goals, put thoughts into action and turn what ifs into what’s next.

On to bigger and better things though- the year is almost over! Insert phrase that we all say every time this year: “I can’t believe it went so fast!”

But seriously. A LOT has happened this past year. A quick rundown on my end: new job, new apartment…and another new iPod.  From my past posts, you’ve seen that I’ve really enjoyed my job switch this year. It’s been a fabulous 10 months so far. I work with a great team on some amazing issues, and it’s just been really invigorating all around. It’s really interesting to see how a job change can give you a fresh outlook on life, and how much stress and negativity just washes away.

But that wasn’t all. I also moved into a place of my own, which I LOVE. I know some people still like having roommates to hang out with and it saves money, etc, but I really don’t think I could have it any better than I do now. I have a great studio in a great area, and I am just fine with coming home to my place and my things and my mess (I actually don’t really have messes, because I’m a neat freak). I can watch my shows and cook in my kitchen and all that other fun stuff that comes with living alone. And again, it’s amazing what stresses are lifted when you’re not dealing with a living situation you’re unhappy in.

Conclusion: life is good.

In addition to all this, I’ve recently started corresponding with some family members that for many years were not in my life, thanks to all kinds of drama and bad times when I was younger. It’s a huge step for me, because for awhile, I said I just wouldn’t deal with it anymore and I didn’t need it. Now, it’s not that I need it, but I feel I can finally move past the bad stuff and get some closure. I will never go back to how things were 10 years ago, but it’s something that I need to do to be at peace with things. More importantly, because I have great parents, a boyfriend and friends who care about me, I don’t need much to come out of this – it’s just my little thing that I’m doing so that the what if’s won’t be running around in my head anymore. It’s a long process though, so I know that I may still have some moments where I’m struggling and wondering “what’s next?” But I won’t allow myself to get hurt anymore because I do have the control. My dad always tells me that – that I have control over how I react to something, and he’s right. It’s in my power to figure out how I will or will not respond to something.

I think this really translates into all of the stuff that’s been happening in my life this year and that continues to happen. If I have a friend who isn’t really being a good friend or if I’m unhappy about something at work- it’s up to me to decide how it will affect me and what I will do, if anything, about it. I can either say, “ok, it is what it is” and step away from it, or I can try to figure it out – but it doesn’t have to stress me out. That’s something I continually work on. That there are some things out of my control, but that it’s in my control to realize and accept this. Deep, but not really. Quite simple- it’s just a matter of applying it to daily life.

Personal stuff aside, it’s been amazing being in DC for all of the pre-election and post-election excitement. It was one of the best nights of my life to be at a bar in Dupont Circle with friends during the returns, and to run on the streets screaming and hugging people out of pure happiness at the change that is coming. Yes, I just said that! I’m really excited to be here for the inauguration and the upcoming couple of years – what a great place to be in for all of this!

I think this is enough for now. Does anyone have any thoughts about their 2008?

Who is excited to go home for the holidays? I am! Here is a preview of my trip home:

-corgis
-movies
-pot pie
-finally seeing The Nutcracker Ballet!
-watching A Muppet Christmas Carol
-Law & Order marathons