And along the way, we’ve been supported by the people in our lives that care about us the most when we take those missteps, hit rock bottom, or feel like nothing is going right. It’s our parents, our significant others, coworkers, family, teachers, and best friends. Usually those same people have words of wisdom, their two cents as to what is the right choice, or the new direction. We may not immediately agree with them or even appreciate it, but life has that funny way of working out so that about 99% of the time, those people were right.

But back to mistakes. You make them, and you learn from them so it doesn’t happen again, right? Example: You burn your hand while cooking because you didn’t use a pot holder. So next time, you use a pot holder, because you clearly don’t want to be burned again.

Simple concept, but it applies to life lessons in the exact same way. If you were burned in some way, or you made a poor decision that you so clearly wouldn’t want to repeat, you put on the pot holder before grabbing the handle, right?

But, as I continue to learn every day — not everyone uses the pot holder still, even after being burned — multiple times. And they don’t use the pot holder after being told by many people who care about them that they need it, that it would be silly to not use it. Maybe they even said that they wished someone had told them last time to use the pot holder, and yet when you do, they still dismiss you.

Then what?

It’s frustrating when you see people you love making poor decisions, and not really taking the time to think about why they’re doing it, or what they’re feeling, and working through it. They say, oh, I know, last time, that was so bad, and I know I should use a pot holder next time…but five minutes later, there they are, grabbing the handle bare-handed again. You’ve done your piece, you’ve reminded them, but to no avail. What do you do? Do you walk away and let them burn themselves? Do you stand there and watch them, waiting to say I told you so? Do you try again, but feel like you’re banging your head against a brick wall?

Sometimes, it takes many burns for someone to realize what they’re doing and to figure out what they need to fix. And sometimes, we don’t want to be the ones standing around with the band-aids again…and again…and again. The bottom line is that you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to help their self. In the end, the only way they may learn is to keep getting burned.

Why some of these choices are easier to make than others is a great mystery at times. What is it that holds us back from moving forward? Are we afraid of something, or someone? Is it the fear of failure, or the knowledge that the direction you thought you were taking isn’t at all what you wanted in the end?

We’ll never know what will happen after making a big change in our lives. We can only imagine-  it might be hard, it might make us cry a few times, it make make us immediately regret it, it might make us wish we hadn’t done it. But…we’ll also never know how good things can be, how happy we might be, or as my friend Drew says, how “wonderfully great” it might be.

The reality is this: some people are never completely happy with their situation. They always want more, always feel like something is missing. So they move from one thing to the next, new job, new friends, new home, always searching for what’s missing. But what’s missing isn’t in the new job or the new place or the new friends – it’s inside, and you have to ask yourself, what do I really want? What do I really need? How do I get there?

Those same questions are asked when your life decisions are impacted by someone else. When what you do next and what you plan for is intertwined with someone else, it’s easy to feel like neither of you are going to be completely served or that you will never get exactly what you want. So the question is: if you don’t get exactly what you want, what is the middle ground? What can you do that still works for the both of you? Sometimes the answer is scary, exciting, or full of uncertainty. But we can’t travel in time, so we don’t get to test the different scenarios for a couple of months and then go back and pick the one that works out.

The bottom line: what will make you happy not just in five minutes, or even five months, but in five years? Fifteen years? What are the things you want – and what are the effects of taking a different route than you imagined? What are you willing to do to get the things you really want?

But what about when everything isn’t clear? What about when you want more time, need more time, hope there is more time? What about when it involves someone else’s life? What if you’re so unsure after months of thinking about it, talking about it, arguing about it, crying about it, that you’re not even sure anymore what you wanted in the first place?

And what to do, when everyone around you says, “You have to do what’s best for YOU.”

It’s not that simple, when you aren’t even sure what’s best anymore. When you thought what was best maybe isn’t anymore, what you think should be best isn’t what you want, when so many things are still undefined and undetermined, it’s not that simple.

You see it in the movies or in finales of tv shows: girl runs off to her dream job (good for her!)…but 5 minutes later her taxi is turning around, or she’s showing up on the stoop of the boy, saying no, I want the love! Who doesn’t love happy endings like that…but when it’s your own life, it’s not quite like that.

People hold back on making major decisions because they’re scared, because it means something different, because it means taking responsibility, doing the hard thing. And when one person holds back too long, it eventually means the other person has to make that hard decision for the both of them and then no one is happy. How do you get around that? How do you figure out the “best” decision for everyone involved?

We ask it at work when we begin a new project and there isn’t much direction yet. We ask it of our friends or family if we’re confused by their actions, or if a relationship is stalled. We ask it of ourselves when thinking about our future, when setting goals for the year, when making life-changing decisions.

Sometimes, we have the answer. Sometimes, it’s as easy as setting a fundraising target or making a project plan with roles and responsibilities. Sometimes it’s telling someone you love the truth, clearing the air, and fixing the problem.

But sometimes, these questions seem almost unanswerable. Impossible. Cloudy. Questions you know aren’t going away, but still, months later, sometimes years later, you still can’t pin down.

Ex. 1: Consistent feelings that your body isn’t good enough, you’re not pretty enough, you weigh too much, you need to work even harder. I’d say this is an example that 90% of the time falls onto women. Just tonight, a guy friend and I were discussing why women always feel the need to lose more weight, to feel even prettier, to compare to other girls. I didn’t really have an answer. I have friends and family and a boyfriend who tell me I’m beautiful and I look great. I work out several days a week and eat healthily most of the time. I’m not overweight. But I, along with millions of other women out there, feel it could be better – we could be better. Why? Because society tells us? Because it’s inherently in womens’ psyche’s to want to please, to woo, to be prettier and more desirable than the next woman? Maybe a little of both.

Ex. 2: What life choices will make me happy? A balanced career and family? Just a family? Just a job? And how do you know what the decision is and when to make it? So many of us are bouncing scenarios around in our heads about what is more important- love or career, location or money, work we love, or work that pays…the list goes on. There is no end to the what ifs and which would I rathers and what is bests, and it’s like banging your head against a brick wall waiting for the moment of clarity that makes everything so easy. Life is not about drawing straws, playing heads or tails or taking a quiz to find your perfect answer, as much as we all sometimes wish it were.

So, how do we answer these questions that are still here, waiting, at the end of this post? As I’ve been realizing, sometimes our answers and come-t0-jesus moments won’t always happen after sittin’ and thinkin’ for hours on end. It may come in the middle of a conversation, in the middle of a blog post, in a dream, or from hearing someone else’s story. They may come when we’re least expecting it – when we don’t force the question, and just see where life takes us.

What's all the fuss about?

We get boyfriends, girlfriends, rent payments. Our chosen field is suddenly not the best to enter into in bad economic times and changing technologies (newspaper reporter, anyone?). Suddenly, it’s not just about picking something and being it – and that age-old question of “what do you want to do?” is constantly staring us in the face, making us impatient, causing us to hem and haw over our every decision.

Four years ago, I didn’t know what exactly I would be doing, or where I would be. I just knew that I wanted to be writing, and living in a fun place (Chicago, DC, NYC, etc.). When I decided to graduate early and get a head start on life, I had only starting dating my boyfriend a week before. A boyfriend who was headed to law school, so that already meant long times ahead. Four years ago, I didn’t really have a plan, for once in my life, except to go do something I loved, and I figured the rest would come along.

Four years later, I don’t know where I’ll be next or what I’ll be doing. But the “what do I want to do?” is staring me in the face. I’m balancing my desire to continue growing in my career and to do fun, amazing things while I’m young and obligation-free, and my desire to finally be in the same place as my boyfriend of 3.5 years, who has also been my best friend since our first months at college. What do I want to do is suddenly not about a place or a title that can easily fit on a business card. It’s now about what I feel inside of me, what I see myself doing and loving, what fulfills me. And yes, it’s so much harder.

I’m not the only one in this position. I know my parents struggle with it, too. Successful in so many ways, they’re thinking about their retirement in a few years, and asking themselves the same question – what do they want to do? Other friends my age are also figuring out the balancing act of taking the next step in their careers and potentially making big changes to be with the person they love.

For me, I go back to the journal I kept in high school (thanks Dad) that helped me realize I definitely needed to be doing something in the writing department, and NOT become a CSI (a short-lived phase, thankfully). It’s time to be asking myself those questions again, because once I figure out WHAT I want to do, and WHAT makes me happy, the rest will all fall into place.

All that aside, now is when I’m having to be more open-ended and open-minded about my life and the path it’s taking. Having a long-distance boyfriend about to start his third and final year of law school is a big part of this – it basically means that exactly a year from now, I have no idea where I’ll be or what I’ll be doing. It doesn’t mean that I’m going to just follow him to wherever he gets a job – it’s a joint decision – know that now. But, there is a very real possibility that I could be moving to a place that isn’t near the top of my list, or taking on a job that I didn’t think about a year ago or even now.

At one point – that would have scared me to a ridiculous degree. I would have been making pros and cons lists of every factor going into this arrangement, and trying to pinpoint a date when my life would change and all the things I’d have to do between now and then. But now, I’m slowly settling into a different approach. I’m realizing that things may not be as I originally planned, and that’s okay. I’m realizing that I may not go where I thought I would, but that it may turn out for the best. I realize that when you choose to share your life with someone else, there are so many other things that come into play than just yourself – and I think that’s the thing that I struggle with the most. Me vs. us. Yes I might have always thought there would be an “us” in my life, but it doesn’t really hit home until you start getting to that moment.

I spoke to a close friend from college tonight who is getting married in a year. A year ago, before she met her fiancee, she didn’t want to live more than hour from home, she was nervous about traveling abroad, and thought she was a long way off from finding the love of her life. Tonight, she was glowing about living in her new apartment in a new city, looking for another new job, and preparing for a trip to Italy with a friend in coming weeks. She reminded me of a conversation we’d had soon after we left college, when I urged her to take risks, to not be afraid of change, to embrace change. Now, I see myself having the same conversation with my boyfriend – and honestly, I could listen to myself sometimes. I am no stranger to moving, to trying new things and putting myself on the line for something I want, but I’m realizing that a big risk is also going to be figuring out how to balance my needs and wants with that of the person I marry.

Anyway – many of you know that I’m a couple years off from marrying anyway, but again, as the person I am, I think about this stuff. I’m just working towards not thinking so much and just being and doing, and letting it be more of an open, dirt road than a paved one with mile markers and dotted lines.

To decide how I feel, and to react accordingly.

To have certain people in my life, or not.

To believe what I want to believe.

To take charge of my life.

…and no one can tell me otherwise.