San Diego sunset

Week before last, I headed out to San Diego to visit my parents for the first time since they moved there in January. It was my first time to California, the first time I would see my family without Harrison (McGee sure gave me a lot of love to make up for it), and the first time I ran on a beach.

It was also a week in which I thought about the last year, where I’m headed, and what’s holding me back. With a little help from my parents, especially my dad, I realized I still get so stuck on trying to be what I perceive everyone wants me to be, I still worry about saying the right thing, doing the right, and making the “right” choices. A year ago, I made the choice to break up with a wonderful guy, who remains my friend. I made the choice to never let a friend who never actually was a really good friend treat me that way again. And recently, I changed jobs, making a career choice that worked for me, not for my coworkers.

But in the everyday moments, I still hold back; I still get fearful. What will they think if I do that? I ask myself. What if I say the wrong thing? What if they’re just saying that or doing that to be nice? And yes, I question sometimes if people would even notice if I’m not around…a blip on the radar perhaps.

It’s exhausting to constantly worry if people like you, love you, if you’re making the choices they would make, to wonder what they’re thinking, to wonder what they want. In the end, as I was reminded, it’s about me. Say what you need to say, feel how you feel. And maybe everyone won’t agree with you. Maybe they’ll get mad or yell or cry, maybe they won’t want to do you a favor, maybe they’ll ignore you. And that’s okay. But you could be surprised by the reaction.

In the mornings in Encinitas, the marine layer would keep the sky overcast and cool. As I ran on the beach one morning, when only the surfers were out, and a handful of people walking with their coffee, I watched the waves roll in, the seaweed washing onto the sand. I watched as within minutes shadows of people who once were hidden behind the mist and fog became visible as the sun slowly started to break through. The marine layer was clearing, and so was my mind, and my heart.

I left the West Coast with a sense of renewed authenticity, and a desire to be the person that I am, without letting all the stresses of wondering what other people think get to me and add anxiety to my life. I arrived on the East Coast rejuvenated, ready to tackle my new job, eager to do away with the negative influences and people in my life, determined to call who I want, when I want, and ask for what I need when I need it. The outcome may not always be what I want, but at least I can be content with being myself.

We all talk about the moments in our lives as “times,” as in, “I had such a great time last night” or “That was one of the best times of my life.” But what is it about these times make us remember them so vividly or maybe not so well at all? What makes them affect our dreams and our experiences and our futures?

As I have been on my journey of healing and reflection and renewal, I’m prompted to remember the time I did this or that, or the times when someone was nice or mean or hurtful or loving. I struggle to recall if something happened at a certain time or if my memory has embellished certain details because it all blurs together. I worry that by remembering really good times with certain people if I’m doing away with the progress I’ve made to admit the wrong they’ve done. I realize that passage of time can heal most, if not all wounds, and that sometimes the bad times don’t have to determine future good ones.

As time goes on, I think I’m understanding it more each and every day. What does time mean to you?

At least that’s what I’m doing. I’ve been “home” in Cincinnati with my parents for over a week and have another week left. It’s funny, because my parents always ask if I want to do anything fun while I’m home, but honestly, I prefer to just keep doing what we’re doing – watching old Law & Orders, having coffee and relaxing with our dogs, seeing some movies, that sort of thing. Rather selfishly, I don’t even like giving up my time of doing what most people would call “nothing,” to hang out with a couple old friends in the area, despite earlier plans to do so.

There’s a lot that’s been going through my mind lately and many things I’ve been trying to figure out. I’m constantly wading through those old bad memories from years ago of a father who didn’t seem to want me, of friends who suddenly weren’t friendly, and so forth. As much as I try to let it go and move on, I can’t. And I’ve come to accept that if I don’t do something about it, it will continue to affect my life and all my current and future relationships in a damaging way – and I don’t want that either. You’ve read in my past entries that overall, life is good with the new job and new place. But even with that, there are some things that just don’t go away until we do something big and life-changing about it. For me, the first part has been realizing that I can’t do it alone.

I’ve had a lot of little moments lately, what Oprah in her magazine likes to call “Aha!” moments. Mine run the gamut, including things like omg I’ve gained 10 lbs and need to lose it ASAP, to why am I not volunteering for Habitat for Humanity to build homes for those hit by Katrina – my real hometown area, nonetheless? Then it’s other things like, damn, I can’t believe I just blew up at my boyfriend for no reason or how did I not realize I was acting like that at work?

My parents always joke that they’re boring. Looking in from the outside, one might agree, considering their social calendar isn’t exactly booked. But then again, mine isn’t either. I tend to spend much of my time just like they do – reading, watching old movies, and just hanging out. But those are the times when I have those Ahas, when I’m not thinking about my work to do list or who do I need to call or what errand do I need to take care of tomorrow. In a week, I’ll be ready to return to DC, and jump into 2009. And then I can turn my Ahas from thoughts to actions.