Photo credit: spuddybuddies.com

When we are feeling rejected by someone or something, it’s easy to get down on ourselves and come up with all the reasons why it happened to us. It’s easy to try to rationalize someone else’s actions or decisions or find ways to defend them, even if they hurt us. It’s also common for us to settle for something less than great because we just want to feel accepted or appreciated, no matter the costs.

But we deserve better. You deserve better. I deserve better.

Think about it: a friend isn’t exactly being a good friend – they never call you back, they always have an excuse, maybe they failed to recognize some major moments in your life lately. You say, “Well, but they’re busy,” or “But they usually are a good friend.” Or perhaps you went on a few dates with someone, and started to get interested, and then they lie about something, or lead you on to think it’s something more. “Well, but they’re a nice guy/girl,” or “I should have known better.” Maybe a family member has continued to let you down over the years, but because they’re family, you let it slide.

We shouldn’t let it slide, anymore. What happened to honesty being the best policy? What happened to our friends being that – good friends? What about family who is supposed to be there for you instead of against you?

It’s in my blood to want closure when things don’t work out with people in my life, whether it’s friends, boyfriends, family members, or even coworkers. I want to get it all on the table, I want apologies said where necessary, I want to hug or shake hands and be able to move on. I hate just letting things go without clearing the air, but because of that, I also tend to give people a lot of second and third, maybe fourth and fifth chances. There are some people in my life I’ve given way too many passes, and it’s bitten me in the butt in return.

But then my lovely friend K reminds me that I deserve better. She says I’m too hard on myself. She tells me that when something doesn’t work with a guy, it’s because he’s not the guy for me, and that it’s not about me. She urges me to not deal with people who don’t want to put in the effort, who don’t appreciate me in the way I deserve to be appreciated. And it’s not because I’m more special than anyone else, or deserve more than anyone else, but it’s because I deserve the same things, really, that you deserve: respect, and honesty, and integrity, and love, and time. Because I’m a woman who lives and loves just like everyone else, with dreams, and goals, and good days and bad days, and because I should get something in return from my relationships, like we all want and need.

Remind yourself what you deserve. Remind others what you deserve and ask for it. It’s like I said before, if you want something, you have to go after it, and this is just as important as anything else. And don’t forget to give others what they deserve, too.

This week’s theme happened to be letting go. First it was one of those chain emails that gave all kinds of examples of why if someone walks away from you, that you should just let it go. That they’re not meant to be part of your story anymore. I had never thought about it that way before, and it was suddenly so enlightening. As I continued to read through the email, I found myself thinking again and again how obvious it all seemed, and how magical the idea of “letting go” is when it comes from someone else.

The second instance was in a conversation with someone new. We came across a commonality related to our families, and the dialogue turned into how our past and the baggage that often comes with it doesn’t always have to be that way…baggage that is. It’s all a matter of how you react to it and deal with it — and if you just let it go, it puts life in an entirely new perspective.

So as I think about the different things in my life, and broken relationships (of all kinds) that I have held on to or worried over or cried over, or gotten angry about, it’s suddenly so easy to just look at all of that and say, “That’s not meant to be a part of my story. They are not meant to be a part of my life.”

And let’s face it — it hasn’t been easy in many ways. But when things seem out of our control and we’re left wondering what happened or why me, we have to remember that it is in our control to let it go. It’s in our control to recognize that moments and people and memories and love and friendships and even family come and go for a reason, and that the only way we can live our best, healthy, happy lives is to let it all go.

One of the most empowering things in this whole process was realizing that there is so much out there for me. I can go anywhere, do anything that I want. I can move to Chicago or San Francisco or London, I can plan for myself and only myself, and I can, to an extent, be a single gal in the city.

As someone who has always feared being alone, being abandoned, being left or not loved anymore, it was also very interesting to be in a situation where I walked away despite feeling very strong emotions for someone. I am stronger because of it, and although I never would have guessed it before it happened, it was almost like a big a relief to say, yes, I can go through something like that and come out on the other side okay. (Note: with a little help from my parents – I can’t thank them enough for their support.)

Stepping out into the day, into the world, newly single, brings on such a mix of emotions. It’s exciting, it’s scary, it’s weird, it’s fun, it’s nerve-wracking, all at once. And I’m not talking about dating – that isn’t going to happen for awhile. But it’s the everyday stuff. When at one time you were going to be engaged by the end of the year and married the next, moving in with someone one month, and buying a new bed the next, and now you’re not…it’s just different. And just in one short month, I have traveled to Philly for the first time to volunteer, made new friends, signed up for another 10k, gotten a promotion, danced the night away again, and made travel plans.

For someone who usually plans down to the last detail and minute, this is new and different for me. I don’t know what will happen in my life in the next six months, or the next year…but strangely, refreshingly, that’s just fine with me.

But without reading all the books and sermons and pamphlets and attending all the conferences and seminars, the bottom line is that to get what you want, YOU NEED TO ASK FOR IT. This applies to all facets of your life. Some examples:

Work

• If you think you deserve a raise, title change, promotion, or more benefits, you won’t always be lucky enough to have it handed to you. You might have to make a case for it. And even if you don’t get it, it will be noticed that you went for it, and that might make a difference to start.
• If something is missing at your office, whether it’s a team dynamic that needs to change, an HR issue, or you think there isn’t enough budget for office supplies, put in the request. Do the research, put together a one-page memo, and pitch it to the boss. You might be surprised at how quickly the answer is yes.

Business & Customer Service

• We often feel we have to settle for the room the hotel gives us, the price the cable guy sets, or the menu item as the restaurant sets it. But more often than not, businesses and retailers engaged in customer service will offer you what you need, as long as it’s not outrageous. So ask for the discount, ask for the upgraded room, negotiate the rent, and swap the ingredients. If you’re polite and make a request, not a demand, the person on the other end of the counter/phone is more likely to help you. The “what can you do for me?” line really DOES work.

Relationships

• My parents tell it to me all the time these days: tell us what you need from us. Unless I ask them for something, whether it’s guidance, financial assistance, or to give me space, they don’t know I need it.
• It works both ways: you don’t know how to be a good friend/girlfriend/sister/daughter if you don’t put the question out there to your friends and family on what they need from YOU.
• This falls under the work bucket as well, but it’s more personal. Ask your boss for more time, more resources, more support, or less micro-management if you need that. If you want to know how you’re doing, ask that too. Ask your team how you can be more helpful to them, and ask them to help you where you need it. It works both ways there too.

Life

• Some questions aren’t for others – they’re for you. Do you want to go back to school? Travel the world? Join the Peace Corps? Move to California? Get married? Break up? Change careers? You won’t really know the answer to these questions and many more unless you ask yourself these questions, as hard as they may be. After all, you should know yourself better than anyone else, so in turn, to get what YOU really want, you need ask yourself the questions.

So, once more, with feeling: if you want something, ask for it!

Photo credit: http://dumais.us

In my job, we’re always thinking about how to serve our constituents, our supporters, our donors, our followers, and fans, partners, and

champions. That means we frequently “engage with our supporters” which means wonky non-profit type stuff like “creating a dialogue,” “providing a platform for community-building,” “raising awareness,” and “reporting back.”

We tell our people that they THEY are the reason why our organization is successful, or that malaria deaths are down, or that more lives are saved. We run the operations and the behind-the-scenes show, but it’s the supporters who really make it happen, right?

I realized today that all of the things we online communications and non-profit people work on everyday also fits into the relationships in our lives. When you think about it, our supporters, constituents, and donors are our parents, boyfriends or girlfriends, husbands, wives, aunts, grandparents, and friends. And in the same way that those turns of phrase above are part of our daily professional to-do lists and goals, they are also, or should be, a part of our daily personal lives.

• Creating a dialogue. Our loved ones want to hear from us, but they don’t want us to talk at them – they want to say something back. If we have a problem we’re trying to solve, we’re venting about a rough day, or we want to share exciting news, our “supporters” want to join the conversation, and provide feedback. Part of facilitating a successful dialogue means listening really well to what our people want or need from us – and in turn, telling them what we need or want from them.

• Providing a platform for community-building. This doesn’t mean building a social network, website, or even a physical building to hang out in. It means that we need a place to have the dialogues above, a place to collaborate, inspire each other, tackle life’s challenges, and celebrate life’s special moments. It’s a safe space, where there are rules of respect, privacy, and trust, but not so many barriers that it’s uncomfortable and you can’t accomplish anything. So whether it’s keeping weekly date nights, monthly family game nights, or doing an activity you like with grandma, make it easy to support each other.
• Raising awareness. If we want our “supporters” to care about us and take action on our behalf, we need to let them know what’s going on in our lives. We can’t expect mom and dad to know what’s bothering us if we don’t tell them, or our boyfriend or girlfriend to get us the cooking class we want if we don’t give a hint. We have to educate our family and friends on what’s important to us and let them know what we need them to help us with. It’s like those commercials – “the more you know…”
• Report back. Donors love hearing where their money went and to hear success stories. Our own supporters are the same way. Parents want to know what happened after you took their advice, friends want to hear if you’re doing okay, and grandma wants to know what you bought with her birthday check. So tell them. Call people, email them, write letters, whatever you need to do, to keep your loved ones updated. In the non-profit world, if donors don’t hear back, they don’t donate again. Share how your family and friends made an impact and how they too, are awesome — so they keep coming back.

Relationship-building takes work — in the office, and at home. And these “best practices” are just that – practice. You test things, you analyze, and you optimize (yes, another non-profit thing). Your results aren’t quite donations, retweets, or email signups, but I think what you get instead is worth a lot more.

Just when you think you have it all figured out, it hits you upside the head: It’s not just my boyfriend that’s worried about the future – it’s me, too. Me, who I thought was ready for the next big thing, ready to say all my fears were behind me, ready to move forward. And then, I realize, I’m scared, too.

The next few months will be challenging ones as the bf graduates from law school next week, takes the bar two months later, and continues looking for jobs and moves out here to be with me in the fall. And all this time, I’ve been focused on dates. What day are you moving here? Tell me WHEN are you here? And I’ve been worried about what happens next. We move in together, then what? What if he gets a job back in Ohio? What if he doesn’t? Is it all perfect and wonderful and that’s the end? Do we practice for a little while to make sure it’s the right thing?

I was reminded by my dad that there is no test to figure out if something is 100%. I’ll never be able to pinpoint to one action or day that makes me say, “Aha! This is all going to work out into a happy ending. All our troubles are behind us.” So with that being said, we have to learn to be okay with the 90%, or 85%, or even 99%, because that’s what life and relationships are about. NOT knowing the exact future, NOT knowing what troubles, challenges, or opportunities lie ahead – but being confident that it can be worked through, and if it doesn’t work…that that’s okay too.

I realized that I wasn’t truly testing my bf, but I’ve been testing myself. I’ve been waiting to get to that moment when I feel absolutely sure that I won’t be alone, that I won’t be disappointed, that I won’t be hurt. The truth is that we’re going to get let down, and hurt, and disappointed. But it doesn’t  mean I should set myself up for it, by preparing to the very minute details, by throwing my test of myself onto others. It’s not fair to them or me.

When we think about things that scare us about the future, it can be any number of things: financial security, job security, not knowing what job is right for you, being abandoned, having some tragic incident befall us. But there’s only so much we can do to prepare for those things. We can hope and wish and pray and save and plan and make lists, but so much of is it truly about running on faith – in yourself, and in others. And I don’t mean faith in the religious way – I mean trust and confidence, and really believing what someone is telling you and what they’re doing if they’re not giving you any reason not to. And it also means having faith that if something doesn’t go well, that there’s still a way out of that, too. You just don’t know it, so it’s scary.

For the past eight months, I’ve spent a lot of time debating what is the next step in my career, trying to figure out where I would be okay moving to, and looking for signals that things AREN’T going to work. But now, I know that I’ve been working against myself – and I’ll never get an A+ if I keep on this same road. So my goal for myself for the next few months is to look for the things that ARE working, to widen my options, and to stop trying to get to 100% – because when I do, it will be that much more worth it.

Anyway, this isn’t about Robert Redford or a romance that went wrong. This weekend there were two events that dregged up memories, and so it’s just interesting to look back sometimes and think about how things have changed – or not.

On Saturday I went to Miami’s Bicentennial Charter Day event for the DC chapter. It reminded me of  a high school reunion. Drinks, a band, mingling, sometimes awkward, mostly fun. The awkward part of course was running into people you sort of knew and now you have no idea what to say to them, or running into people that you knew when you dated old boyfriends, etc. etc. And I saw a bunch of people that I knew would be there so that was fun. One of my more dramatic and disappointing moments in college is associated with some of those people, and although things are fine now, it’s one of those situations that don’t ever quite go away, and there will always be a barrier. Which kinda sucks, but such is how life works. I’m on different paths than some of these people anyway.

Then on Sunday I saw Molly, my best friend from home and that’s always a fabulous time. I met her bf, and they have a similar story to me and my own boyfriend, in that they were friends for several years before they finally started dating. Molly had her aha! moment with her guy just like I did with Dan. And of course, she and I reminisced about all of our favorite stories from middle school and high school, did the basic chatter about people we knew and what they’re doing now, etc. It was just a great time over all. There was a time when Molly and I drifted for a bit, but now, I think we’ll always be there for each other and that’s good to know and something we can both look forward to.

Ok, cheesiness done.

Oh, and happy early Mardi Gras!

Asking the right questions of people you care about can lead to discussing elephants in the room that need to be cleared out. But then there’s the questions that may be wrong, or if not wrong, they make you wonder why they were asked in the first place. Do they have a hidden meaning? Does it point to a deeper concern or is it truly just a simple question?

Questions. Tears. Fights. Doubts.

Question: what’s next?

For me, that’s meant repeating over and over again to myself, to my parents, to my boyfriend, to supportive friends – that I have emotional issues and need therapy. And now it’s meant making the calls and finding someone who can really help.

One thing that helps you move forward is recognizing similar “problems” and calls for help in friends and giving them the exact advice that others are currently or once gave you, or that you are still trying to tell yourself. “Oh, you can’t lose weight? Try this.”  “Oh, you have a crappy parent or friend? Try this.”

Just knowing that someone else needs help and that you can help them, is proof that you can help yourself and that others can help you. It’s always easier to be on the outside looking in, as we know. It’s always easier to look at someone else and say, “Duh, why don’t they recognize this?” It’s much harder to say to ourselves…yeah, I’m doing that too, or yeah, I need to fix that, too. It’s even harder to then push through the first few weeks or months of taking action on it. Making calls to get help. Making changes in your life that are healthy, finding people that are good for you and letting go of people and habits that are not so good for you.

Now I’m not talking about not smoking (I don’t) or not drinking (I keep a low profile there too) or ditching other ridiculously harmful habits. I don’t really have any of those. But, detoxifying yourself also means mentally, emotionally, and socially. I’ve already been doing well with my workout routine and eating better. It’s time to move on to the big guns.

Tomorrow, I’m taking a step to make this happen. I won’t go into major details, but basically I’m getting a fresh perspective from someone new, someone who can’t take sides. And as part of all this, I’m going to start making choices about what to keep and what to get rid of in my life – and maybe who. We all do things or think things or feel things that aren’t helping us move forward, and that aren’t helping us live in the moment and enjoy life to the fullest. We also all have people in our lives that fall into this category. Maybe they are an old friend who isn’t so much a good friend anymore, or a newer friend that just isn’t panning out, or a family member that isn’t worth the stress either. I know that my biggest problem has always been to just accept that a relationship is over and move on – it’s one of the hardest things I deal with everyday. Those of you who know me more intimately know what this stems from – and I’m taking steps to fix it.  I can spend months agonizing over why my friend or old roommate or family member hasn’t talked to me in months, letting it bother me until it consumes much of my thoughts.

Or, I can learn to place it outside of me and my life, and say, ok, yeah I’m not feeling the love, but they made a decision. Maybe I don’t know the decision, and maybe it had to do with something I did or said, but maybe it didn’t. And realizing that and saying, things will be okay, is the big step. Realizing there are other people I have in my life that care and aren’t going anywhere. You know who you are, those people – and I appreciate it, more than you know.

So, as change comes to our country, and people are trying to keep their resolutions going, I’m making some changes, too. It’s really time.

For readers: What changes are you wanting to make this year?