And for all the in between years

Ol’ Blue Eyes says in one of his most beloved songs, “When somebody needs you/it’s no good unless she needs you all the way/through the good or lean years/and for all the in between years come what may.”

I’ve loved Sinatra since I was about 12 years old, and now more than ever, his songs have so much meaning in my life. In the last two months, I’ve ended a four-year relationship with someone whom I loved more than anyone, “broken up” with a friend that I’ve known for 13 years, and started to truly understand after nearly 26 years what it means to love or be loved “all the way.”

These are the in between years for me. Technically, I hope it’s only months, or maybe a year or two max. But it’s neither a good or lean year – it’s just that  – in between. New opportunities at work, new people in my life, old people moving out of my life, and my parents perhaps moving across the country and the state I called “home” will no longer be such. In the next year or two, I may  move again myself, I may change jobs,  and I may or may not fall in love again. There will be drama, there will be hugs, and kisses, and crying, and hopefully lots of laughter. There will be moments when I just want to hide by myself and tell everyone to go away and leave me alone, and there will be days where all I want is someone to wrap their arms around me and never let go. There will be people who call me too often, too little, or not at all. I will call people too often, too little, or not at all.

These are my in between years. Who knows where the road will lead us? Only a fool will say. But whatever it is, and wherever it is, I will do it all the way.


To tell the truth

One of the foundations of a good relationship, whether it’s romantic, familial, or friendly, is supposed to be, or at least I’ve always thought, is honesty. We say we want the truth from each other, no matter how much it might hurt, no matter if we disagree. The thing is with truths is that they can lead to issues that have long been bubbling beneath the surface, waiting to explode — waiting to be cleaned up. The thing with truths is that some people say they want to hear, but they really don’t.

And that sucks for the person putting it out there.

Over the years, I’ve had my share of people I love and trust disappointing me or shying away from the truth – and I lose them. At this point in my life, it seems that number of people who really truly care about keeping a relationship built on truth and willingness to adapt and work together to clean up the mess are slowly dwindling to the point that I wonder what’s the point anymore.

What’s the point in having a best friend if you can’t be honest with each other or ask for things of each other? What’s the point in telling someone you want honesty if you aren’t willing to be honest yourself?

Truths can also lead to good things. It can mend rifts, it can smooth out miscommunications, and shed light on something that wasn’t noticed before. The hard part is always hearing it. It’s always hard to hear that you’ve hurt someone, intentionally or not. It’s always hard to hear that you’ve screwed up, that you unknowingly caused pain. I’ve been there. It’s rough. You feel like crap, you immediately want to fix it, or you’re angry, or confused.

But think about the person who has taken the time and stepped up their courage to tell you what they’re feeling. That’s hard too. Really, really hard. The number of times I’ve dreaded even approaching a painful conversation with someone because I’m afraid of the outcome is countless – but in the end, the outcome is always for the best. Once when I approached a friend who I didn’t think was being a good friend, his reaction proved to me that I didn’t need a friend like him anyway – and I was glad to be done with it. Another time, I approached my dad with some feelings I had – and I felt 100 times better after – after having played that exact moment in my head 100 times before. And recently, I had to put the truth out there to the guy I had been with for four years. Scary, tough, but necessary.

Unfortunately, there are times when we tell the truth and things change for the worse. And I guess we could sit around trying to backtrack, trying to figure out what our next move is, but really, after you’ve put yourself out there, all you can do is wait for the response. It may not be what you want, or you may not get one at all. And then – you might see a little more truth out there than you bargained for.

Taking the high road

How many moments a week, or even in a day sometimes, does someone or something make you want to explode and run out of the room screaming? Depending on where you work or who you live with, this could be more often than you’d like, or you could be lucky and those moments are rare.

Someone says something harsh, tries to accuse you of something, or you can’t get your idea across. Someone keeps making stupid mistakes and not learning from them. Someone doesn’t appreciate you for what you do or who you are.

We have options.

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A great big world out there…for me

It’s been one month since I made a life-altering decision — to end my 4-year relationship with my boyfriend. Those of you who read this know that I’m pretty transparent about my life, but in this instance, I want to keep things relatively brief as it pertains to “what happened.” Bottom line: we were at different stages in our lives, and need to figure out what we want for ourselves and our futures – and it wasn’t exactly matching up. No one did anything wrong. The truth is that he’s been my best friend for seven years, and neither of us want that to change anytime soon. But the reality is that now, after a roller coaster four years of long distance, I am on my own – really on my own.

One of the most empowering things in this whole process was realizing that there is so much out there for me. I can go anywhere, do anything that I want. I can move to Chicago or San Francisco or London, I can plan for myself and only myself, and I can, to an extent, be a single gal in the city.

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