And for all the in between years

Ol’ Blue Eyes says in one of his most beloved songs, “When somebody needs you/it’s no good unless she needs you all the way/through the good or lean years/and for all the in between years come what may.”

I’ve loved Sinatra since I was about 12 years old, and now more than ever, his songs have so much meaning in my life. In the last two months, I’ve ended a four-year relationship with someone whom I loved more than anyone, “broken up” with a friend that I’ve known for 13 years, and started to truly understand after nearly 26 years what it means to love or be loved “all the way.”

These are the in between years for me. Technically, I hope it’s only months, or maybe a year or two max. But it’s neither a good or lean year – it’s just that  – in between. New opportunities at work, new people in my life, old people moving out of my life, and my parents perhaps moving across the country and the state I called “home” will no longer be such. In the next year or two, I may  move again myself, I may change jobs,  and I may or may not fall in love again. There will be drama, there will be hugs, and kisses, and crying, and hopefully lots of laughter. There will be moments when I just want to hide by myself and tell everyone to go away and leave me alone, and there will be days where all I want is someone to wrap their arms around me and never let go. There will be people who call me too often, too little, or not at all. I will call people too often, too little, or not at all.

These are my in between years. Who knows where the road will lead us? Only a fool will say. But whatever it is, and wherever it is, I will do it all the way.

A great big world out there…for me

It’s been one month since I made a life-altering decision — to end my 4-year relationship with my boyfriend. Those of you who read this know that I’m pretty transparent about my life, but in this instance, I want to keep things relatively brief as it pertains to “what happened.” Bottom line: we were at different stages in our lives, and need to figure out what we want for ourselves and our futures – and it wasn’t exactly matching up. No one did anything wrong. The truth is that he’s been my best friend for seven years, and neither of us want that to change anytime soon. But the reality is that now, after a roller coaster four years of long distance, I am on my own – really on my own.

One of the most empowering things in this whole process was realizing that there is so much out there for me. I can go anywhere, do anything that I want. I can move to Chicago or San Francisco or London, I can plan for myself and only myself, and I can, to an extent, be a single gal in the city.

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Turning “What ifs” into “What’s next”

Four years ago, I was devastated with the news that I wasn’t going to be the next editor-in-chief of my college newspaper. At the time, I didn’t know what was next. I had been waiting for that other answer, that other moment when I could see my name on the masthead, add the line to my resume. Suddenly, my plan was out of whack. And then just as suddenly, I had a new plan. I left the paper a few months later, and decided to finish school a semester early to get a head start on the job search.

Three years ago, I had just finished school, was living at home, looking for jobs and apartments and trying to decide between Chicago, New York and DC. I thought about working at a magazine, at a non-profit, at a newspaper, at a magazine, and finally decided upon a PR firm or a non-profit in DC – and promptly moved here only with the apartment in place.

Two years ago, I was really ready to get out of my first job – really really ready. I knew more about what I didn’t want, what I did want, and where to look. Then I found a great one (where I’m at today).

One year ago, I was tired of letting my past interfere with my present and future. I wanted to figure out who I was and what I could be. So I started seeing a therapist.

And then there’s today.

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End of year musings

Yes, it’s been awhile since I wrote – but I’m sure my few and loyal readers (all 2 of you) haven’t missed me that much. I’m not sure I even have an excuse for not writing. Sure work has been busy, and yes, it’s the holidays, blah blah…but mostly I’ve been lazy. So there you have it!

On to bigger and better things though- the year is almost over! Insert phrase that we all say every time this year: “I can’t believe it went so fast!”

But seriously. A LOT has happened this past year. A quick rundown on my end: new job, new apartment…and another new iPod.  From my past posts, you’ve seen that I’ve really enjoyed my job switch this year. It’s been a fabulous 10 months so far. I work with a great team on some amazing issues, and it’s just been really invigorating all around. It’s really interesting to see how a job change can give you a fresh outlook on life, and how much stress and negativity just washes away.

But that wasn’t all. I also moved into a place of my own, which I LOVE. I know some people still like having roommates to hang out with and it saves money, etc, but I really don’t think I could have it any better than I do now. I have a great studio in a great area, and I am just fine with coming home to my place and my things and my mess (I actually don’t really have messes, because I’m a neat freak). I can watch my shows and cook in my kitchen and all that other fun stuff that comes with living alone. And again, it’s amazing what stresses are lifted when you’re not dealing with a living situation you’re unhappy in.

Conclusion: life is good.

In addition to all this, I’ve recently started corresponding with some family members that for many years were not in my life, thanks to all kinds of drama and bad times when I was younger. It’s a huge step for me, because for awhile, I said I just wouldn’t deal with it anymore and I didn’t need it. Now, it’s not that I need it, but I feel I can finally move past the bad stuff and get some closure. I will never go back to how things were 10 years ago, but it’s something that I need to do to be at peace with things. More importantly, because I have great parents, a boyfriend and friends who care about me, I don’t need much to come out of this – it’s just my little thing that I’m doing so that the what if’s won’t be running around in my head anymore. It’s a long process though, so I know that I may still have some moments where I’m struggling and wondering “what’s next?” But I won’t allow myself to get hurt anymore because I do have the control. My dad always tells me that – that I have control over how I react to something, and he’s right. It’s in my power to figure out how I will or will not respond to something.

I think this really translates into all of the stuff that’s been happening in my life this year and that continues to happen. If I have a friend who isn’t really being a good friend or if I’m unhappy about something at work- it’s up to me to decide how it will affect me and what I will do, if anything, about it. I can either say, “ok, it is what it is” and step away from it, or I can try to figure it out – but it doesn’t have to stress me out. That’s something I continually work on. That there are some things out of my control, but that it’s in my control to realize and accept this. Deep, but not really. Quite simple- it’s just a matter of applying it to daily life.

Personal stuff aside, it’s been amazing being in DC for all of the pre-election and post-election excitement. It was one of the best nights of my life to be at a bar in Dupont Circle with friends during the returns, and to run on the streets screaming and hugging people out of pure happiness at the change that is coming. Yes, I just said that! I’m really excited to be here for the inauguration and the upcoming couple of years – what a great place to be in for all of this!

I think this is enough for now. Does anyone have any thoughts about their 2008?

Who is excited to go home for the holidays? I am! Here is a preview of my trip home:

-pot pie
-finally seeing The Nutcracker Ballet!
-watching A Muppet Christmas Carol
-Law & Order marathons