Triggers

Knowing and recognizing our emotional triggers and not letting them take control of us are two very different things. It’s definitely one of those “easier said than done” instances. Have you ever worked at something for months, for years, maybe your whole life, and then one tiny little thing that someone says or maybe worse, doesn’t say, seems to erase all of your efforts and suddenly you’re wanting to bust out of your seams?

Yeah, that was me today.

I’ve been working at it. I have. I had a great first step last week. I was so proud of myself. And I have been talking out loud about everything more, to myself, to my family and boyfriend and friends who care about me. I was making changes.

And then, “it” happened. A trigger. Without going into too much detail, it was the thing that wasn’t said today that set me off. That set me on a stream of tears, a stream of consciousness that went something like this: i’m-not-needed-recognized-loved-worthless-doesnt-matter-who-cares-get-over-it-forget-it-why-does-this-keep-happening?

You’re like, man, she sounds like Cybil! Nothing is worse than starting to beat yourself up and getting angrier and sadder by the second while simultaneously trying to force yourself to stop thinking about it and to not worry about it and to not make anything of it. Nothing is worse than feeling like an entire couple months of progress are gone in one instant, an entire year’s worth of work is unnoticed, and that an entire life’s worth of this SAME EVER-PRESENT FEELING has still not gone away and seems like it never will. And nothing is worse than 98% of the people around you telling you and showing you that you’re appreciated, but the other 2% (yourself and one other person) negating the whole thing.

Back to square one. Deep breaths. More hugs.